Wednesday, April 29, 2009

If I Was A Cartoon Character

Hi everyone!
For today's post I've decided to re-post something fun that I originally wrote more than 4 years ago on my previous (and now defunct) blog site. I believe the world needs laughter, so I thought I would post this here on my new blog so that new readers can enjoy it. It was inspired by a conversation I had at the time with a good friend of mine. This is how my post originally appeared in March, 2005.

How cool would it be to be a cartoon character for a day? Think about everything that you can do. The laws of physics simply would not apply. The only way you could be killed would be if someone were to erase you (or Dip you, for those Roger Rabbit fans out there.)
Here are some examples of the way your life would be as a cartoon:

  1. Wherever you go and whatever you do, there will always be music playing in the background. That music will change according to your actions or emotions. (i.e. travelling, fear, joy etc...)
  2. Just before you go to run somewhere, you will hover for a moment in the air as your feet pick up speed. Then, when your feet do touch the ground, you will take off leaving a puff of smoke accompanied by the sound of a gunshot or speeding race car.
  3. If you run into a wall, your body outline will be left behind if you make it through, or you will leave a perfect impression of yourself on the other side if you don't.
  4. If you run off a cliff, you will keep going and will not fall unless you stop, look down, and realize you are standing mid air. Remember to scream on the way down. AAAAaaaaaahhh!
  5. When you do hit the ground, you will again leave a perfect body outline as you plunge about six feet into into the dirt or floor. Bonus points if you are in a multi level building and fall through each floor.
  6. If you get flattened, you can easily recover by blowing into your thumb and re-inflating yourself back to normal size. You can also re inflate with a pump, but be careful not to over inflate or you will pop and fly around the room when someone pricks you with a pin.
  7. You will never have to worry about doing laundry as you will only wear one outfit. Chances are you will have a closet with hundreds more identical shirts, pants, or dresses in case something happens to damage or stain your clothes. If you don't wear clothes, change that to fur or feathers. (think Foghorn Leghorn)
  8. If you take a blow to the head from items such as a frying pan or anvil, birds or stars will circle above your head. The great thing is there will be no concussion.
  9. Your eyes will always be visible, even in total darkness. That way others will always know where you are.
  10. Your skeleton will be seen when hundreds of volts of electricity pass through you.
  11. When something surprises you, your eyes will pop out of their sockets and grow to 10 times normal size.
  12. When something frightens you, your skeleton will leap out of your body and run away leaving your skin in a heap on the floor.
  13. When there is a monster behind you, your companion will not be able to warn you with anything more than incoherent babbling. You can easily check by feeling the creature's face without looking back. It won't do anything until you actually look it in the eye.
  14. Like Homer Simpson or Fred Flintstone, if you are a big fat guy your wife will always be thin and hot regardless of how many children she's had.
  15. If you're a guy and you see a hot woman, your face will morph into that of a wolf, your tongue will hang out, you'll howl and or whistle loudly and your right foot will rapidly stomp on the floor.
  16. If you are shot, you can easily locate the bullet holes by taking a drink.
  17. Acme will endorse every hair-brained, half-witted scheme you attempt.
  18. You will only have minor burns when the stick of T.N.T you're holding goes off.
  19. If you are being chased, you can always paint a hole or opening in a wall to hide in.
  20. Whatever you need you will always be able to reach behind you and grab, such as flowers, an over sized mallet, a gun, or even a flame thrower.

Since writing this original list, I've thought of a few more things that would be different in your life if you were a cartoon character. And they are:

  1. Your voice might be provided by a famous celebrity.
  2. You will never show any signs of aging. In fact, the opposite usually happens. The quality of your animation will improve with each passing year.
  3. If you go to jail, chances are you'll be out the following week as if nothing ever happened.
  4. If you should die a cartoon death, it's not uncommon to see your spirit float out of your body. Sometimes death himself may be standing there to offer some smart assed comment about the way you died.
  5. Don't worry, you'll be back next week - once again as if nothing ever happened.
  6. At any given moment you or someone in your life will break into song and it will likely turn into a show stopping number.
  7. If they ever make a live action movie about you the cartoon character - it will suck. Period. (Think Garfield, Scooby Do, etc...)
  8. When walking anywhere you'll pass the exact same buildings, trees, people or cars over and over again. This is all normal. (I can't believe I didn't think of this one the first time I wrote this!)
  9. If your animated life gets syndicated, there's a good chance people everywhere will quote or re-enact scenes from it somewhere during their day-to-day conversations and those who get the references will laugh and join in on the fun. Feel good about that!

This last image is what I'd look like as a popularly styled cartoon character.

Th-th Th-th That's all folks!

The Wandering Oak

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Back to Work

So some of you may have noticed I haven't been around the blogworld too much lately. Well I have good reason for that. I'm back to work full time after a very long winter layoff.
I mentioned in a previous post that I work for a painting company, but at my current jobsite I'm really not doing any painting at all. I'm working at a highrise condo block right in Victoria's harbour and our crew has the daunting task of cutting out and replacing the caulking in every window, sliding door, and under all the metal flashings around the entire building.
From what I can figure, this pretty much means that we're going to be part of the scenery throughout the entire summer.
I just hope the tourists get my good side.
The Wandering Oak

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

UGGh! Enough Already! An editorial on a footwear faux-pas.

I wish I had a nickle for every time I’ve seen this. A beautiful young woman is walking down the street and (no disrespect to my wife) I couldn’t help but notice as she approached. She had gorgeous, shiny, dark hair, well fitted sunglasses (not those huge truck windows), a nice shirt and jacket, and dark jeans that really complimented her legs. But on her feet…*sound of jumping record needle*…
Why do girls always take the lazy way out and insist on wearing these things?

For the past few years this UGG boot trend has really gotten out of control, and I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. There are all kinds of blogs and Facebook groups made by people who absolutely hate these things, yet these fuggly boots are everywhere. I even saw girls wearing them in Hawaii! Their feet probably smell like the asses of the sheep from which those horrid boots are made.
To quote a friend of mine: “Just when you thought Crocs were the ugliest fashion footwear, someone watches Napoleon Dynamite and thinks ‘Hey, why not oversized fabric boots?’”. My wife (who thankfully refuses to conform to this footwear faux pas) is a big fan of the TV show What Not to Wear and she says “You know something’s a fashion no-no when that show won’t even go near them.”

People who like these boots always claim “they’re so comfy”, “they keep my feet warm” and “they’re so cute”. No. They’re not. They’re also not very good for your feet or your back since every pair out there has a tendency to lean out to the sides and spill over the sole causing the wearer to walk with a funny shuffle. They might keep your feet warm, but I highly doubt they are as waterproof as they claim to be, especially the ones that look like granny’s knitted house slippers.

Even more attractive is when girls wear these boots with baggy sweatpants half tucked into them, usually with some ridiculous word like “Juicy” or the name of their school printed on the ass. I’ve even seen girls wearing them with those short pants that flare out and cut off just above the boot exposing about an inch of leg. Correct me if I’m wrong ladies, but I always thought you wanted to make your butts and legs look slimmer and not like the back end of a Mack dump truck.
In my research for this editorial, I even discovered that they make UGGs for Men?!? Ladies and gentlemen, if you ever catch me in a pair of UGGs you have permission to bitch slap me into next week. It’s bad enough some people put them on their dogs.In summary, I’m not going to tell people what not to wear, so if you’re happy wearing lazy people’s footwear, go right ahead. After all, you’re not alone. Hollywood celebrities wear them too. Just remember that people are going to see you in them.

The Wandering Oak

All images courtesy of public domain sites on the world wide web.
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